Spiritual Gifts

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Coping with Life's Realities


Pastor Linda

There are times that the people within the mentally challenged community may not be able to rationally connect to life’s realities. This can manifest in a number of ways. At the death of a close friend or relative, these tendencies are clearly exposed and allow those of us who minister to them to see them without the masks of everyday tedium.

As a minister within Special Gathering, we seek to disciple (and evangelize) people who are developmentally disabled. Therefore, we attempt to be acutely aware of the spiritual, emotional and social needs of our members. Of course, this is a large subject that cannot be covered in a simple article. While a lifetime of circumstances have led me to study this area of human behavior, I am not a behaviorist and I don’t attempt to be an expert in this area. Nevertheless, we are currently dealing with the death of two much-loved members. Therefore, we are attempting to deal with grief at Special Gathering.

There are several manifestations of grief that we often see among our population.

The Great Pretender

Upon hearing of a tragic situation, there are always individuals who have mastered the art of pretending to grieve. While the initial reaction to unexpected grief is normally numbness, they consistently react in an overly emotional gush. They may weep tearfully and loudly but without real emotion. In dealing with this person, we have someone go to him for a few moments and show tender care and then move on. If the person continues to express a high degree of emotion, we ask a staff person take him from the room. Because his emotions may be meant as an attention-getting device, this will usually work to calm the person. However, we try to be acute understanding.

This person is almost never aware that he is doing this with the goal of seeking attention. AND we cannot be sure that it is not genuine expression of grief. Therefore, we endeavor to take extreme care, allowing the person to weep and express his grief.

The Ignorer

The Ignorer feels the grief beyond her ability to cope. Therefore, she may desire to turn away as quickly as possible, ignoring this difficult situation by pretending that there is no danger or sadness present or ahead. It’s important that we let this person know that it is a good thing to cry. We endeavor to comfort her and tell her that even though she may not be able to cry right now. She should release her emotions of grief when she is alone. It is this person who may only be able to express her grief in angry outbursts. Further down the road, she may become angry at others with little or no provocation. Should we see this behavior, this could be a good opportunity to encourage her to cry or talk out her grief.

The Sad Swimmers

These individuals may immerse themselves in the emotional malady quietly swimming in the deep waters of grief and pain, refusing to let the healing balm of time erase the pain. These people are easy to spot because they will immediately divert the conversation to their own grief regarding their loss of a parent, uncle, grandmother or favorite dog. No matter what the condition, "My mama died," is the automatic reaction. It doesn't matter that Mama died 20 years ago. For them the death is kept fresh and renewed each day through memories and regrets.

The Angry Reactor

In speaking with a good friend of mine regarding our recent experience with death, she said, “This makes me so very angry. I don’t know why she had to die.”

My friend is a dedicated Christian and a professional within the mentally challenged community but her initial reaction to grief, she told me, is always to get angry. “I skip numbness and go immediately to anger.”

While the normal steps of grief put anger after numbness, there will also be people, like my friend, who will get angry immediately. As much as is reasonable, we try to allow a member to express her anger. This reaction is usually temporary and reactive.

Tina told her staff that she would never sing in the choir again when asked to prepare for the funeral of her close friend. "I hate choir and I'm not going to do it." Of course, as she was speaking, she was getting out her choir uniform, readying herself for the event. If you deal with the general population at all, you may say, “This is just the way everyone reacts to grief.”

My response: You’re right. Each of us deals with grief in health and unhealthy ways. Our goal is to allow the person who is developmentally disabled to find healthy ways to express their grief. As always we attempt to help the person turn their grief and hurt over to Jesus through prayer. This is the best antidote we have. We encourage our members to pray for each other and our teachers and volunteers pray for them. God is still our sustainer and provider, even in times of great grief and loss.

 

Linda G. Howard, Area Director
The Special Gathering of Indian River
P. O. Box 6002 Vero Beach, FL 32961

Contact Linda at lhoward@specialgatherings.com

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